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Oh my god, Brian, there's a message in my Alphabits. It says, 'Oooooo.'

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Monday, April 26th, 2010
5:16 pm

(5 comments comment)

Wednesday, January 6th, 2010
3:15 pm
Haha, what the fuck?

current mood: giggly

(14 comments comment)

Friday, January 1st, 2010
3:38 pm
RIP Rowland S Howard


current mood: depressed

(4 comments comment)

Tuesday, December 22nd, 2009
12:29 pm - Noel was raised in the forests by Bryan Ferry
I really hate cognitive therapy.

( comment)

Monday, October 26th, 2009
12:04 am
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

current mood: drunk

(4 comments comment)

Sunday, October 4th, 2009
12:33 am - How long has it been?
It's been a while. I guess I'm due for an update. I'm still out here on my own now in Alberta, taking classes and working on my writing. Alain's moved back with his family. There was too much tension between us with my mental health issues and his own, and he confessed he had feelings for a female friend of his back in Vancouver, so we went separate ways. He needed more room for independent time to work on his music, and doing the 9-5 job, settled down married thing here was both not making him happy and aggravating his OCD. We still talk and he seems happier now with her so I'm glad for him.

In-between classes and working, I don't have much time for anything else (other than watching the new House episodes...). Still go online every now and then to check e-mail, but I mostly only use my laptop for writing. I'm having some success with new medication so things have been a bit better recently. I'll have to post some new stuff I've gotten written here one of these days.

current mood: awake

(8 comments comment)

Wednesday, June 24th, 2009
12:18 am
Am going to touch on a sensitive topic. I hope this gives some insight to anyone who reads it, although the person it is for knows who they are. It sucks being away and yet still being in touch enough to know about the things you're useless to help with. Apparently a close friend has gotten in to an abusive relationship and is using my past and current relationship as a model for excuse to stay with this person... Only thing that I can say is: love isn't supposed to make you miserable. My situation has been incredibly unique. The vast majority of abusive people do not evolve from that kind of behavior, although the people with them I'm sure believe unconditionally they are all a part of the minority exception. You can't stay and hope things are going to get better under those circumstances. You cannot let another person define you in life. The only reason my relationship with Alain got any better was because we stopped seeing each other for years and spent that time working on finding our own directions and bettering ourselves before we considered trying it again. By that time we were both different people.
I was not happy (or healthy for that matter) in my teen years when I allowed the relationship to escalate as it did. I was steeped in self-abuse and staying was another way to indirectly hurt myself and felt like something I deserved at the time. Alain was falling into his family's history of alcoholism and couldn't even remember what he'd done or said to me when the mornings came. He was never sober long enough to feel anything about what he did to me or himself. It was misery. The good times were more like the threads of a spiderweb--way outplayed by the negative spaces. They were good enough to hold it together, but in the end the majority of it was empty, damaging experiences. We're together now, yes, but we've both changed completely for ourselves, not for centering around each other. When we finally broke it off it came down to Alain leaving me. I still wish I had the sense to leave before then, because things got drastically worse and more dangerous the longer I stayed, and I firmly believe one of us would probably be dead if it had lasted much longer. I can only tell you from my experience how dangerous this is... I can't be sure that it will get through to you. If you want to know what you have to look forward to, I'll give you the example of my last Valentine's Day with Alain in those years. He came home late drunk and saw I was passed out on the couch with a needle in my vein and his belt tying off my arm. He started screaming at me and threw an empty bottle of wine and two glasses at my head, which broke in my face and got shards in my eyes. He dragged me off the couch on to the floor by my hair, strangled me, then got up and kicked and stomped on me until he broke my ribs. He ended up kicking me in the forehead and sending my head flying backward to collide with the leg of our coffee table and nearly snapped my neck like a twig. I was unconscious until the next morning, when I woke up in agonizing pain in a puddle of my blood still on the floor, with him in the next room passed out in a puddle of his vomit. He could've killed me, if not seriously injured me in some debilitating way for the rest of my life.
That's not patient love, not accepting love. Staying with someone that physically hurts you is not love period. It is an act of self deprecation. If that's what you want for yourself, then stay. If you love yourself and this person (for whatever reason) and want change, then it's not going to come from inaction. No one deserves to be physically abused by the person they love, or even verbally abused. Especially not you.

Productiveness is your acceptance of morality, your recognition of the fact that you choose to live--that productive work is the process by which man's consciousness controls his existence, a constant process of acquiring knowledge and shaping matter to fit one's purpose, of translating an idea into physical form, of remaking the earth in the image of one's values--that all work is creative work if done by a thinking mind, and no work is creative if done by a blank who repeats in uncritical stupor a routine he has learned from others--that your work is yours to choose, and the choice is as wide as your mind, that nothing more is possible to you and nothing less is human--that to cheat your way into a job bigger than your mind can handle is to become a fear-corroded ape on borrowed motions and borrowed time, and to settle down into a job that requires less than your mind's full capacity is to cut your motor and sentence yourself to another kind of motion: decay--that your work is the process of achieving your values, and to lose your ambition for values is to lose your ambition to live--that your body is a machine, but your mind is its driver, and you must drive as far as your mind will take you, with achievement as the goal of your road--that the man who has no purpose is a machine that coasts downhill at the mercy of any boulder to crash in the first chance ditch, that the man who stifles his mind is a stalled machine slowly going to rust, that the man who lets a leader prescribe his course is a wreck being towed to the scrap heap, and the man who makes another man his goal is a hitchhiker no driver should ever pick up--that your work is the purpose of your life, and you must speed past any killer who assumes the right to stop you, that any value you might find outside your work, any other loyalty or love, can be only travelers you choose to share your journey and must be travelers going on their own power in the same direction.

current mood: sleepy

(2 comments comment)

Wednesday, May 27th, 2009
11:29 pm

(12 comments comment)

Tuesday, May 19th, 2009
11:28 pm - Gone mental
I don't know what to do with me, but it's off-putting when my psychologist tells me she doesn't know either. I just wish my brain would stop shutting down and working against itself.

Speaking of insanity. At the store yesterday, a man passed me down an isle talking loudly and animatedly gesturing on an earpiece I couldn't quite see. I laughed out loud and then sort of pushed my cart along slowly, pretending I hadn't, and that he didn't look like the deluded people talking to themselves or the schizophrenics back at the psyche ward.

current mood: awake

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Friday, April 17th, 2009
12:30 am - News, or not.
Change has been overdue for a while. Alain and I are moving to Calgary next month. He's found a job out there, and I need to get out of this place. Life here has been nothing but a run of seriously bad luck, and I am not content surrounding myself with the remnants. We drove by the alley I was left in after the Patrick ordeal the other day, and actually had to pull over to keep the breakfast rising in the back of my throat off the car interior... I don't expect a change in location to fix anything, but it will be great for a new start. There is nothing good staying here is doing for me. I'm done with this place.
Will miss everyone dearly, and I'm sorry to leave you behind, but we need this.

current mood: determined

(10 comments comment)

Tuesday, April 7th, 2009
12:44 am - Indeed

(10 comments comment)

Monday, April 6th, 2009
11:41 pm - So I'm gonna fly away on my wings I've made out of sorrows I threw away...
These flashbacks are increasingly proving to be a huge problem. Memories flooding my head at random intervals really shouldn't be ruling my life as much as they are.

Poor Mr Sad
Gliding in the sky
You flew to your heaven now
now I know why
I flew in search
Of years I left behind
But something that's in your mind
Is something nobody can take away
It's yours forever

current mood: determined

(8 comments comment)

Monday, March 30th, 2009
11:53 pm - I feel less like shit about walking with a cane.
Last week I saw a woman in a wheelchair across the street from my store struggling to get the door to a restaurant open. Just as she had gotten it and was starting to wheel inside, this girl walked by her on a cellphone, pushed the door further so she could get it, then let go and let it slam in to the back of the woman in the wheelchair's head and her chair, without once looking back. This looked incredibly painful, but she carried on and wheeled herself inside afterward as if it were just business as usual.

current mood: disgusted

(2 comments comment)

Sunday, December 7th, 2008
11:33 pm - Katy Perry's "I Kissed A Girl"
How moving, pop songs positively acknowledging lesbianism. That's what you'd think, right? I just lost a casual friend over an argument concerning this. I'm sorry, but anyone who enjoyed or endorsed this song for its "progressiveness": I am no friend of yours.

This was nothing but Perry crying desperately for airplay by targeting a male heterosexual audience under the guise of gay-friendly progression, playing on the fantasy of girls performing on one another for the man's pleasure and sociosexual sanction, rather than for any sort of individualistic gratification or sexuality. The whole video is intended as titillation for a male audience, and not only encourages female submission and femininity, but it continues to pervert and sexualize gay relationships. It's mocking, no better for the LGBT than a “Girls Gone Wild” video, and such a joke that it makes me sick no one else seems to see it. It bugs me to no end that the song still won't die down, and is being brought up again now that it's on Last.fm's top ten “most listened to songs” chart of 2008. I sit in awe knowing this is the music of today's twelve year olds, wondering how the hell shit like this is going to affect them psychologically, and what kind of society we're going to have another generation from now.

Fuck you, Katy Perry. While you play your Christian-good-girl-gone-wild gimmick to death, yet again we take ten steps backwards from any sort of normalization or social acceptance of gay culture, and twenty more away from the general enlightenment and education of the public... Yeah, what a catchy song though, right?

current mood: disgusted

(15 comments comment)

Monday, August 25th, 2008
12:02 am - Back home again.
It was Alain's birthday on the 19th, and our one year anniversary on the 20th. We both worked our asses off to take a week to ourselves. One of Etienne's friends gave him permission to use this place he owns further up north, which he passed on to us. We just got back a couple of hours ago.
It was relaxing, but strange. The heater ended up giving out on us after one day of being there (at which point the weather decided to get fairly bad), and every time we went in to town we kept bumping in to this old couple that saw fit to endlessly revert back to commenting on Alain's piercings when they made small talk with us.
Basically the first conversation started with the woman making some remark about the weather and how much worse it was last year, and then her husband saying something along the lines of "My goodness, you're a distinguished looking guy, aren't you?" to Alain, followed by his vaguely sarcastic laughter, and some comment about our heater breaking to the lady again... It went back and forth like this with innocuous observations and then “Is that the trend with young people now?”, “Now, how much did it hurt to get those things put in to your skin like that?”, “Do you have to take them out for work, or what?”, “What made you decide to get them put in there like that?”, etc.. We ran in to them about three other times on different days afterward. All in all, I don't think he meant any harm and there seemed to be a mutual respectful connection of bad manners between him and Alain, so Alain was rather good-humored about it.
Anyway, they were an odd, memorable couple... With the connection they had, it was easy to tell just by the brief encounters that they'd been the observer to one another for so long that they could most likely not only finish each others sentences, but write each other if they had to. I think that's how I'd like this to end up, however many decades from now. We'll see.

current mood: rejuvenated

(6 comments comment)

Sunday, August 17th, 2008
11:54 pm - Blixa and Nick.
Normally macros annoy me, but I came across this and it made me laugh, for whatever reason.

Here it is...Collapse )

There were a few others, but I'll spare you.

My next work shift starts in an hour... then I've got a whole week of freedom.

current mood: giggly

(2 comments comment)

Tuesday, June 17th, 2008
11:08 pm
1. Reply to this post and I'll assign you a letter.
2. List (and upload, if you feel like it) 5 songs that start with that letter.
3. Post that to your journal with these instructions.

For the letter R:

"Ricky's Hand" - Fad Gadget
"Roman Candle" - Flesh For Lulu
"Reeperbahn" - Tom Waits
"Rock 'n' Roll Paddy" - Shane MacGowan & The Popes
"Rotation" - Tom Verlaine

(1 comment comment)

Friday, June 13th, 2008
9:16 pm - It's about time...
I heard this afternoon that Michelle's father is in prison. It made my day. Apparently the seven-year-old son of a neighbor admitted to being raped by him in January... I really should pay more attention to family matters.

current mood: surprised

(3 comments comment)

Thursday, May 22nd, 2008
12:07 am - How do you even exist?
I haven't eaten in a couple of days. I feel really nauseated and weak. I want to eat, but at the same time the thought of it makes me even more sick to my stomach.

Dear asshole customer,

I humble myself at your feet, and express my utter regret and sorrow from the depths of my very being that evil locally owned stores hire such incompetent cripples like myself. I am but another member of lowlifes who demand such high-maintenance special needs that they would actually have the nerve to ask to have a door held open for them while moving boxes that weigh half as much as they do from the back of the store.

So I've got my bad foot barely holding this heavy door open, and about sixty pounds worth of merchandise stored in two cardboard boxes in my arms, which are stacked on top of each other and blocking my view. I'm quickly realizing I overestimated my abilities when I hear someone nearby. I politely ask if they can get the door for me. The pressure of the door threatening to swing closed against me is suddenly relieved, so I call out thanks and limp my way behind the counter to drop the boxes off. I've two more I have to bring out and my ankle is killing me from being shoved against the door, so I grab my cane this time and make my way back to retrieve the last two, when I see the customer who came to my rescue standing with hands on her hips, staring at me over her enormous gut as though I'd just swindled her unborn son, which I would assume occupied the leviathan flesh hanging from her torso if I didn't know better to recognize it as the residence of a lifetime's worth of fried food and doughnuts, out of a prosperous future.
So this woman sneers at me and asks me how I managed to get myself hired if I can't do the job I'm being paid for, and goes on to complain about “my kind” leeching off of everybody else, all because I asked her to hold a door open for me.
I told her that it was a member of her monstrous XXL clan who stepped on my foot in the first place, but we were even now that she basically did half of my day's worth of work for me. She reported me to the manager, who took my side.

What a fucking backwards bitch.

current mood: disturbed

(13 comments comment)

Friday, May 9th, 2008
5:27 pm - Weekends...
These days, I'm getting off of work at 12 AM, and going back in at 3 AM. It almost seems a bit pointless to have the three hours off, since it is hardly enough time to drive back, eat and get an hour of sleep. I'm warmly welcoming my two-day interval of rest to break up the days this week.

My doctor is sending me to a therapist, because he seems to think that I don't cope healthily with my emotions. It is a strange observation coming from a guy who wants to cut out the nerves in my foot to help me deal with the pain.
I don't want to go because I've been to see people before about my "problems" and it's done nothing for me, but I figure I will try one session just to make the point that I'm right.

I need to go take a twelve hour nap.

(1 comment comment)

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